After witnessing President Donald Trump outline his ambitious plans for a $175 billion “Golden Dome” missile-defense system, I thought it was only fitting to draft a speech to present this groundbreaking project to the American people. With his promise to have it “fully operational before the end of my term,” it’s clear that this system requires a sales pitch like no other.
Ladies and gentlemen, fellow Americans, it’s me—your favorite president, polling higher than anyone ever has, except for those fake polls, of course. As I’ve promised before, I am here to ensure the safety of every American. Sure, there might be a few slip-ups, like accidentally deporting or imprisoning those who speak out against me—but don’t worry, it’s all totally legal and totally fine. No one will miss them! And now, it’s time for a quick update on something truly spectacular: the Golden Dome.
Let’s break down the name, shall we? Golden, the first word, is simple. Gold is the strongest metal on earth—everyone knows that. Why else would I use it in all of my properties? Gold is tough. Once, a contractor, a big, tough guy, came to me with tears in his eyes and said, “Mr. President, no one else uses gold like you. You’re the only one who truly understands its power.” It’s a fact. Only the best, only the strongest.
Now, let’s talk about DOME. Domes are like balls, but only half. And we all know the best part of a ball is the top half, the dome. You ask any basketball player, and they’ll tell you: it’s the dome that makes the ball work. So, naturally, our Golden Dome will be the best—especially since it’s the half of the ball that’s on top. Baskets, anyone?
But here’s the twist: America isn’t round. I told my people this just the other day, and they all looked at me, saying, “Sir, that’s a brilliant observation.” And it is, isn’t it? Look at a map—America is flat. They say the earth is round, but we all know better. At least, America is flat. When you really look at it, it’s more of a rectangle. The earth’s round, sure, but America? Flat. So, the Golden Dome, instead of being a simple round shape, will be rectangular, just like our great nation. Maybe a series of smaller domes forming a massive rectangle, who knows? We’ll see how it goes.
But no matter the shape, one thing is certain: it will be completely impenetrable. Space and lasers—two things I, and only people like me, truly understand—will make this defense system so strong, it’s going to be unparalleled. Our Golden Dome will be the greatest missile defense system the world has ever seen. You won’t believe it.
Now, of course, there will be critics. For example, a Chinese official named Mao Ning said our “perfect, flat, rectangular golden dome” makes space more of a “battlefield.” Well, guess what, Mao? Space is already a battlefield. Love is a battlefield, and so is space. It’s a battle we will win—using lasers and, of course, gold.
Some of the fake news media are already whining about the cost. But with the $25 billion from the massive tax bill currently moving through Congress, covering the cost of this stunning golden dome will be a breeze. And the cost? Well, can you really put a price on gold and protection? No. We’ll easily cover it by trimming unnecessary services for people who, frankly, don’t appreciate what they have. Many of those people support me, and they’ll understand. I’ll make a few cuts to Medicaid and Medicare—nothing drastic, just enough to make the system even better—and they’ll agree that a few sacrifices are worth it when they see that golden dome shining in the sky, protecting us from threats. Trust me, they will understand. They always do.
As you all know, everything I’ve ever built is perfect, and the Golden Dome will be no different. It will be flawless. And now, for those of you who want to take a piece of history home, you can buy a gold-plated scale model of the dome—available on my website. A percentage of every sale will go directly to supporting the dome project or, of course, the marketing efforts behind it.
